FEAR AND PROCRASTINATION SUCK!
Reviewing the past articles I have written, you can tell that they mainly deal with a self-improvement theme or plans for a change I hope to implement. I’m tired of that angle because all of them have fallen through.
I have been stuck in a rut of espousing verbal positivity producing absolutely NO results or changes in my life. Maybe this is because I am missing the most crucial component for change — action. And that non-action results from a lack of self-examination and honesty.
So let’s be honest.
Since losing my sister to cancer, the once bedrock of my existence, I have cared about nothing. That’s not saying that I woke up and suddenly didn’t care about those that I love, especially my family. It’s not like that. Instead, a lack of care is the heart of change — the caring for myself. So what’s wrong with me?
Plenty.
I have stumbling blocks everywhere. Many of my current obstacles have been recently created to stop the pain of missing my sister every day. I know many experience the death of a loved one every day. And please don’t misunderstand. I am not comparing my losses to the brutality of those poor souls in Ukraine. The deaths there are the result of a bullshit dictator bent on his own sadistic will. I refer to losing loved ones from cancer, COVID, age.
I know that it’s said that “time heals.” Well, I’m calling BULLSHIT on that at the present time as I am in the second year of losing Jill. So what’s wrong with me? I asked.
Plenty.
Knowing better from past experiences with friends and family, I chose to go down that road of self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana ( I refuse to call marijuana a drug!!!). Unlike casual use, relying on those things for existence in the world ultimately leads to an unwanted and potentially horrible end. But this kind of pain makes you not care. And when you don’t care about a result, you don’t care about the subject or whether there is success or failure.
If I am to be honest, it’s effortless, to sum up. I don’t care. And that’s just the foundation holding the whole house of cards which is my life, to remain standing.
So how can I really change? How can I really improve my life and fulfill my dreams and ambitions? I have to look at that, don’t I? I have to examine myself.
For me, this can’t be broken down to numbers on a list. My life is years in the making. I know that articles like this love to list steps explaining faults or actions taken to solve a crisis or a life.
Well, I’m calling BULLSHIT on that too. If it were that simple or easy to know, I wouldn’t be into my 20th year of mental counseling.
But it goes back to the desired “silver bullet-cure” that we so crave in this instantaneous answer society. And you know what, there is no silver bullet to doing a serious self-examination.
I know seeing solutions from another is comforting, but the author is not you, and as humans, we are all unique. Their steps or solutions may seem similar or influential, but they aren’t your solutions. My solutions aren’t yours and never can be.
I’m tired of writing about what I should or am going to do.
Maybe I should stop tapping on a keyboard and get my ass out of the chair and do what needs to be done.
It’s going to require work. And you know what? I’m scared. I don’t want to learn that maybe I’ll never be a writer as a career or a filmmaker. But then again, I just might. Yet, with both chances as potential avenues, the unknown scares the shit out of me. I can’t list the steps to take or the top 10 choices to follow. I have to work and come up with those myself. And because it’s scary, I don’t want to do it. But I have to do it.
I won’t pontificate any further. What more is there to say than what I know, as evidenced in the above paragraph. But there is one thing I know, and it’s fundamental and was easy to see even as grief and lack of listening to ambition has clouded.
FEAR AND PROCRASTINATION SUCK!
